This essay is comprised of my opinions. Please keep that in mind as you consider comments.
It's fun! Yes, the feelings that one gets from successful flirting increase the flow of endorphins and stroke the egos of the parties involved, creating a generally positive feeling of overall well-being, especially in those with egos insecure enough to feel the need for the occassional stroking.
It's informative. Depending on how the subject of one's flirting responds, and depending on your opinion of said subject's overall attractiveness, flirting can then be used as an indicator of how attractive one is on a visual and/or conversational basis. (E.g., "if a girl that I find very attractive and intelligent also finds me attractive and intelligent, then perhaps I really am attractive and intelligent.")
And, like all addictions, it is insatiable. Not only does one desire to flirt more once one has started, but—also like most addictions—the heart begins to long for greater and more fulfilling interaction. Especially, all things physical. But each bit of interaction not only puts emotional feelings into gear, but it sets off a chain of physical reactions as well. The body produces chemicals in response to the pleasant feelings it is experiencing. Therefore, even when the session of flirting is over, and even after the emotion has died down, the physical change that the body has undergone is not so easily reversed, nor easily pacified.
The natural drugs that the human body produces are perhaps nearly as powerful as many man-made or external drugs. They are that way by Design. Consider what could possibly cause a man to settle down and take on the responsibility of another person's life, expenses, health, and—perhaps most significant of all—their personality with its quirks and flaws? Then, in addition, the responsibility of more lives involved in the caring for the well-being of a family? Naturally, it is the promise of emotional and physical fulfillment. Only consider, for a moment, that there was no such emotional or physical remuneration for the enduring of a relationship, and it does not take a genetic physicist to see that the human race would have died out long ago.
An awareness of this reality tends to put flirting in an altogether different context than "innocent fun." How rare it is that one flirts "just for fun," even if those are the only thoughts going through one's mind. Flirting is either the manifestation of an insecurity with one's own attractiveness, social ability, or some other concern about one's ability to interact effectively with the opposite sex; or it is a conscious or unconcsious attempt to establish a relationship for the purposes of physical or emotional pleasure.
So is it wrong to flirt? My response to this question is another question: Is it "wrong" to drink alcohol in moderation? Is it wrong to smoke marijuana? While some may answer a definitive, "Yes!" to these questions, it is my opinion that neither are explicitly or directly declared immoral, Biblically. But each of these behaviors is addictive. Just as one cannot drink alcohol or smoke marijuana without a change, however minute, in one's state of mind and to one's body, one also cannot flirt without such changes occuring. And, it is possible to drink or smoke responsibly, without endangering one's own health or the health of others, just as it is possible to flirt without serious effect.
Some who avoid any association with alcohol and drugs because of lack of desire for an altered state of mind or a concern for the potential for addiction do not think twice about interacting with the opposite sex in an emotionally or physically stimulating manner, despite the fact that such interaction will lead to increased desire for such interaction and significant consequences if pursued as the body would mandate.
Therefore, it is my opinion that flirting poses a significant risk to the average person's life in the form of a distraction from proper emotional and spiritual priorities to a growing interest in the pursuit of premature physical and emotional pleasure.
Very, very interesting.
Questions and Comments
1. Can two members of the opposite sex converse platonically in a healthy manner without exciting any of those other feelings? (Referring to your "airplanes and online" examples--I don't typically think of them as "flirting," provided that the parties have no undue emotional/physical attraction to each other.)
2. Addictive yes, but when comes the point when it is okay to pursue? If flirting is indeed a natural way to progress in a relationship emotionally and physically, then there must be a proper context for it. How does one identify that point?
3. I'm a girl. I often have low self-esteem. Talking with a friendly guy automatically gives me a high, even if it is completely platonic. Is it necessary to cut off all such contact simply because it naturally gives my self-esteem a boost? (I know that's probably not what you're implying, but it's just a question.)
Well, that said, I agree for the most part. It's horribly addicting and I've struggled many a time with knowing what is "okay" and what is not. A couple of your paragraphs made me go "Ouch."
Posted by: Crystal at November 1, 2003 02:06 PMWhoa. Real comments. LOL, I was expecting, "Okay... so he's writing about himself again."
Anyway, I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer your questions. It took me two weeks to put the above mass together, and I'm still not sure if it makes sense.
1. Sure. Personal experience would tell me that lack of physical attraction aids greatly in maintaining a platonic relationship. However... why would I flirt with someone I didn't find attractive in the first place?
2. Wow... I don't even know where to go with this. Why would I "seriously" pursue a girl that is flirting with me? Usually, I would respond by flirting back. Do I want a girl to pursue me? If I'm not pursuing her already, isn't she just asking to be turned down if she pursues me? The problem, according to my above ranting hypothesis, with becoming "addicted" is that one is more inclined to flirt (as in, play at relationships) than to be patient and wait for the right person with whom to pursue a serious relationship.
Okay, dumb analogy time: it's like... picking up a few gold nuggets lying on the ground rather than digging in and mining. :-) You don't get much gold staying above ground, but it's a lot easier. And you don't find nuggets underground, it's harder work, but you get a lot more gold. Which is kind of to say, I've never had serious feelings for someone I've only flirted with, and I try not be flirty with someone I have serious feelings for. (Of course, I've never found gold, either, so...)
3. Don't ask me what's necessary or not! I think that each person needs to determine what it is about a relationship that gives them an emotional or self-esteem a boost and then decide if that's a good reason for them to feel good about the relationship and/or to continue it.
I really hope those make a little sense.
Posted by: Walt at November 1, 2003 02:54 PMI understand Crystal's second question differently, Walt: In the context of an well-established and Biblically-based relationship, do you consider flirting a valid method to move that relationship forward? Or to put it another way, would you flirt with your fiance or wife?
Posted by: John at November 1, 2003 03:18 PMI don't know, John, I thought I kind of answered that? Which is kind of to say, I've never had serious feelings for someone I've only flirted with, and I try not be flirty with someone I have serious feelings for. I wouldn't consider being playful with my wife to be flirting in the typical sense. :-) Flirt, 2nd def)
Posted by: Walt at November 1, 2003 03:24 PMSo our definition of "flirting" for these purposes is "to behave amorously without serious intent"? Just clarifying.
Regarding my first question, perhaps I should have asked if it's possible to not flirt with a member of the opposite sex even if you do find them friendly, "attractive," etc. It seemed as though you were equating any conversation between amiable parties with flirting.
Posted by: Crystal at November 1, 2003 10:19 PMI know in my heart the difference between flirting and not flirting with a guy when I'm talking to him, both online and face to face. While I've never gotten carried away with flirting (that's dangerous to say, isn't it? How can I ever know what sort of marks I've left on guys with whom I've flirted?)...moving on: my only addition is, if God has convicted you on flirting (as He has me, recently, so this is a good time to bring it up) than by all means, obey His will and remove the things that encourage you to flirt.
That probably means all my guy friends are going to take me off their MSN lists now.... :-D Jk. Most of you are safe fellows in that area. More brothers than anything, which is what I prefer, despite my feminine inclinations.
Posted by: Martha M. at November 1, 2003 10:40 PM
Interesting, Walt. I think it helps if, like Crystal said, you clarify exactly what flirting is. It's dangerous, though, because to those who are thirsty for attentions of the opposite sex, all things become crystalline water, so to speak. :) I have a friend who doesn't think she flirts but does, and is constantly convinced that every male that speaks to her is flirting with her. I'm from the opposite end, I think (and hope). I really try to assume the best in people. Maybe that's naive. I think every time one person speaks to another, be the two of the same gender or not, there's a natural high or happiness, even if it is perceived. People like conversation, they like to know that they're interesting and viable for companionship. I like the idea of keeping myself pure from floating away on this wave of flirtacious tomfoolery, but then on the other hand, i'm afraid of turning into my friend, looking around with shifty eyes whenever a guy comes my way, making myself unneccessarily nervous and making it seem like I'm unneccessarily nervous because I'm blown away by this guy. I like talking to lots of different people. That doesn't mean that I don't find guys attractive, but usually, if I'm attracted to someone, I'll talk even more reservedly than I usually do, so I doubt I could flirt if I wanted to. I'd fail. Miserably. Or maybe it's because I don't know how to flirt (sometimes I don't know how to talk to anyone, if it's one of my bad days when I'm tripping over my words :P). I tend to just tell people when I think they're interesting and when I've had a nice conversation with them.
Posted by: Cassie at November 2, 2003 07:20 AMNow why is it Cassie that I always get the most sinking conviction reading your posts? :o)
Posted by: martini at November 3, 2003 02:30 PMWhy, Marti? Because I didn't talk or look at anyone for the first fourteen years of my life and therefore never learned how to flirt? Because nearly no male of the human species has ever so far seen fit to give me the time of day? :D
If anything I should be the one convicted - I have the sinkingest of sinking feelings that if I did have the ability to flirt, I would be tempted to utilize it...
Posted by: Cassie at November 3, 2003 05:39 PMAmen, Cassie.
Believe me--your first paragraph--you're not the only one. Don't let it get you down.
Girls, at the risk of sounding sappy, look at it this way. God may have spared you from these immature, ridiculous things known as flirting and crushes to guard your heart for that ultimate special guy when he comes along. You are worth much more than what could be gained by a stupid crush.
Posted by: Crystal at November 3, 2003 09:23 PMAgreed, Crystal. Completely.
Posted by: Cassie at November 3, 2003 10:13 PMAgreed my female friends, completely. I agree: flirting wastes the precious little pieces of a girl's heart she should reserve for the one and only.
Posted by: Martini at November 4, 2003 11:36 AMSo...my friend emailed my the quote "Do I want a girl to pursue me? If I'm not pursuing her already, isn't she just asking to be turned down if she pursues me?" from an above comment. Let me first say...wow! I am at the point in my life right now where dating and marriage are becoming a large factor in my upcoming choices. I never dated in high school, and only maybe once or twice have I actually gone on a "date" in college, and now that I am graduating, marriage is the next logical step...right? Well...wrong...is the correct answer. I have caught myself in flirty situations, and then ended up blaming the guy b/c he was flirting back, or b/c he wasn't guarding my heart, and these types of things went through my head for a while. The question was posed to me "what are you doing to guard HIS feelings, ect..." and the answer was nothing. Flirting is a very dangerous path to go down, it gives men/women ideas that are not always what you truley feel, and it puts out a HUGE stumbiling block for both parties. I have struggled with finding appropriate boundries in my relationships, and this sin't to say that I have conquered flirting, but those boundries protect and guard my heart, and my future husbands heart.
This all may seem like a huge mumble-gumble, but I write like I speak, and sometimes I don't make sense.
I don't know what this brings to the conversation, but here it is.